


It Don't Hurt Like It Used To

by APuckToTheFace



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Break Up, Heartbreak, M/M, Pining, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-05
Updated: 2017-01-05
Packaged: 2018-09-15 01:20:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,020
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9213059
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/APuckToTheFace/pseuds/APuckToTheFace
Summary: Jonathan Toews thought everything was perfect, he had his dream job, the man he loved, and a bright future was ahead of him. That was until, out of the blue, the man he loved broke up with him, and his life went into a total tail spin.





	

_I had a couple beers with one of my friends_

_Told him just how our story ends_

_Did all I could to try to make it work_

_But you drug my heart through the Alabama dirt, hey_

     “Jonny my man, that girl was totally into you, you should have gone for it.” My childhood friend Jake said as he watched the girl walk away.

     “Not feeling it.” I said, taking a deep swig of my beer.

     “You haven’t been feeling it since you got back, Jonny Boy, something’s up.” Jake said trying to fish it out of me and I knew I was going to break, and so did he. He kept the conversation light for a couple more beers and then I finally broke.

     “He broke my heart, Jake.” I said, trying not to break down completely.

     “Who did, Jonny?” Jake asked, knowing he finally broke me.

     “Kaner.” I admitted.

     “You were with Kaner?” Jake asked confused, he knew I was bi, but no one outside our immediate family, and a few teammates knew.

     “For a year and a half, I loved him so much, Jake.” I said holding back the tears.

     “Then why did you two break up?”

     “He broke up with me, I was going to propose and he just broke up with me before I got the chance to ask. I don’t know what I did, all I know is that my heart has been ripped out of my chest, drug through mud, spit on and haphazardly put back in my chest.” I say somberly.

     Jake didn’t say anything he just passed me another beer knowing that there was nothing he could say on the matter. For the rest of the night, we just drank in silence, my mind wandering to all the great moments Pat and I shared.

**FLASHBACK**

     “Jonny, what are you doing here?” Pat asked rubbing the sleep out of his eyes.

     “Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you, I’ll just see you in the morning.” I told him, not realizing how late it actually must be.

     “Jonny, you drove across the river to see me in the middle of the night, you must have wanted to talk to me about something.” He ushered me into his apartment, still rubbing his eyes.

     “It’s not important, you should go back to sleep.” I tried again, losing the courage that I had gained, in the short moments of seeing my best friend.

     “Jonny, just tell me.”

     “You can’t let what I am going to tell you change anything.” I said causing Pat to look confused and worried.

     “Jonny, we’re best friends, nothing you say or do will change that.” He reassured me.

     “I love you.” I spit out quickly, not giving myself a chance to change my mind.

     “I love you too, Jonny, just tell me what you need to say.” Pat said not understanding.

     “No, I love you, like I want to go out with you, and move in together, and some day get married.” I tell him, causing his face to look even more confused.

     “You love me?” He questioned. I nodded in response, freaking out, only one step away from a paper bag. “Good, I love you too.”

     “You do?” I questioned, hope rising in my chest.

     “God, yes.” He said before lunging at me, and capturing my lips with his own. The shock kept me from kissing him back right away, but once he started to pull away my brain caught up with my lips and I pulled him back into me to continue the kiss. After who knows long, Pat pulled back. “As much as I love this and what to continue, I’m dead on my feet.”

     “Alright, I’ll see you in the morning then.” I said, making my way to leave.

     “Don’t leave, crash here, my bed is big enough for both of us.” Pat said through a yawn, grabbing my hand and pulling me down the hall and into his bed room. He climbed back in bed, and I just stood and watched, not believing I was allowed to get into the bed with him. “Jonny, strip to your boxers and get into bed.”

     I quickly did as I was told, and climbed into bed, Pat snuggling instantly into my side, as my arms wrapped around him. The word happy wasn’t even close to describing what I was feeling at this moment, which made it easy for me to fall asleep.

     “Thank god it wasn’t another dream.” Pat said waking me up as he snuggled closer, putting his head on my chest.

     “You’ve dreamed about this before?” I asked curiously.

     “Almost every night since our sophomore year,” he admitted, his face flushing a deep red.

     “Me too, Pat.” I told him kissing him deeply, morning breath and all.

     “Good, I’ll go make some coffee.”

     “You’re amazing.” I tell him, letting him go.

     “It’s only because I love you.”

**PRESENT**

     “Jonny, come on, it’s time for you to get home.” Jack said pulling me out of my stupor.

     “Yeah, I suppose.” I said getting up off the bar stool and staggering a bit.

     “And a cab ride home it is.” Jack said with a small laugh before ushering me out of the bar and shoving me into the car. I pulled out my phone and texted the only person I probably shouldn’t text in this state.

      **What did I do wrong?**

_I’ve been out the house, climbin’ them walls_

_Checkin’ that calendar, exin’ days off, hey_

_Hit another bar, call another friend_

_Throw a few down, tell the story again_

     “So Jake called me.” David said as we sat drinking and watching the Jays game, one of our summer past time. I groaned, remembering what I let slip last weekend to Jake. “You didn’t tell me you and Pat broke up.”

     “David.” I said rubbing my temples. For the past week, I sat inside my house and barely talked to anyone, not wanting to deal with anyone.

     “Jonny you have to talk to someone, you’ve been going stir crazy in your house.” David told me, handing over a shot and another beer.

     “I don’t know what to talk about.” I admitted before downing the shot. “Pat broke up with me on the same day I was going to propose. He was my forever and now I’m lost.”

     “Did he say why?” David probed.

     “He just told me it wasn’t working out and we should stop seeing each other, then said he caught an earlier flight to Buffalo and left. He won’t answer my calls or respond to any of my texts.” I said. “I just want to know what happened, the day before we were perfect, it was so out of the blue.”

**FLASHBACK**

     “What do you want for dinner?” I asked smiling at the love of my life as I got ready to go do some interviews. Even though we had just lost in the first round of the playoffs, I was happy because I had Pat here with me.

     “Whatever, as long as it is somewhat unhealthy, I think we deserve a cheat meal right now.” Pat said handing over my car keys and kissing me sweetly.

     “I’ll see what I can do, see you soon babe.”

     “I love you.” Pat said with a smile, I couldn’t help but smile in return, I never got sick of hearing it.

     “I love you too.” I said before leaving.

     When I returned to the house after the interviews and running a couple of errands Pat wasn’t around. I had assumed he just went out with the Bread Man before he caught a flight back to Russia for the summer. Pat didn’t come in until I was almost done with dinner.

     “Hey babe, dinner will be ready in a couple of minutes.” I said once he came into the kitchen, not looking up from the pan on the stove that I was stirring.

     “Jon,” he said carefully, causing me to look up curiously at his tone. I regretted that decision as soon as I saw his face, whatever Pat was about to say it would be bad.

     “What’s wrong, Pat?” I asked turning off the stove so I could walk over to him and wrap my arms around his waist.

     “Jon, this relationship isn’t working out anymore. We should stop seeing each other outside of team related events.” He said pulling out of my arms. “I just have to grab the bags I packed earlier, I have a flight to Buffalo in a couple of hours.” With that he walked out of view, my mind couldn’t comprehend what happened until I heard the front door close.

     “Pat” I yelled running to the door trying to stop him. It was too late by the time I got to the driveway, his hummer had already pulled out of the driveway. “Why?” I asked slumping down on the front step of the house, as I felt my heart shatter, while the love of my life drove away.

**PRESENT**

     “Why don’t you get away for a while, you’ve always wanted to go to Europe, take a trip, get your mind off of him, come back and things might be clear to you, if not better.” David suggested.

     “Yeah, that sounds like a good idea.” I admitted before changing the topic, trying to forget the way my body ached for Pat’s touch.

_Hey, hey, what can I say?_

_I can just lie and say it’s all okay_

_Oh-ho, what can I do?_

_Been goin’ through Hell getting’ over you_

_But it don’t hurt, it don’t hurt like it used to_

_No it don’t hurt, it don’t hurt like it used to_

     I spent the first week away from the world touring France, enjoying being able to blend in with everyday people for the most part. However the entire time I just kept thinking about how Pat would have liked this or that, or what he would make fun of. I would lie to myself just to get out of bed each day, telling myself it would all work out, but I didn’t believe a word of it.

     After France I made my way to London, enjoying everything and anything, being able to block out the thoughts of Kaner for the most part. I have been touring the most historical places known to man, something I have always wanted to do, but it was hell because I was so hurt from the break up.

     Germany was the third stop on my trip and I gave up trying to stop thinking about Pat because it was pointless. At least now when I did think of him it didn’t hurt like it did at the beginning, but it definitely wasn’t because I got over him. No, my heart was numbed to pain because I became used to it feeling as though it was dragged through dirt and stomped on.

_I’m finally getting’ out back into the world_

_Life is good, I’ll marry a girl_

_She got a beautiful heart, eyes are blue_

_I don’t hardly ever think about you, hey_

_Hey, hey, what can I say?_

_I can just lie and say it’s all okay_

_Oh-ho, what can I do?_

     A month after leaving on a spur of the moment Europe trip I made my way back to the Windy city, and back to my real life. Pat pushed to the back of my mind and a picture of a future with a girl in the forefront instead, one that would officially get me over Pat, even though I knew that was impossible. 

     While on the flight back I made a mantra I would follow to survive until I got over Pat. Hopefully the mantra will help but I highly doubt it, nothing in my life, especially my love life would be that easy. I went right from the airport to the hotel holding the convention, and sat in my car for 10 minutes gaining enough courage to walk in.

     I was interrupted by a knock at the car window, “Come on Tazer, you’ve been staring at your steering wheel for too long, it’s time to go in.” Seabs said with a small smile through the door. I took a deep breath and climbed out of the car.

     “Hey Seabsie, how has your summer been?” I asked trying to control my voice which was on the brink of turning to hysterical.

     “Not too bad, the family came and visited and we finally did the tourist thing of Chicago.” He explained. “How was your vacation?”

     “It was fun.” I said, hoping he would believe the lie.

     “Oh, Jonny, everything will turn out.” Brent said clapping my shoulder comfortingly.

     “How do you know that?” I asked him. “How can everything turn out when my heart is shattered, and there is no hope in sight, no matter how hard I try to get over him?”

     “The world works in mysterious ways.” He explained “Just keep trying to get through the days, and one day things will turn for the better.”

     “I’ll try.” I said just as I spotted Kaner talking to Duncan right outside the back entrance, a bright smile lighting up his face and I felt my heart drop, while I started to hyperventilate.

     “Breathe Jonny, you’ll be ok.” I nodded controlling my breath and started walking towards the door again.

     “Hey, Duncs, Kaner.” I said quickly as I passed by them, not giving myself the chance to break down in front of Kaner.

     Throughout the day I was able to avoid Kaner. That was until the very end, where we were having a team dinner and my luck had Kaner sit next to me. “Hey Jonny, how was your summer?”

     “The truth, or the lie?” I snapped harshly, Pat looked taken back. “I can’t do this, I have to go.” I stood up abruptly, and booking it out of the room and to my car.

_Been goin’ through hell getting’ over you_

_But it don’t hurt, it don’t hurt like it used to_

_But it don’t hurt, it don’t hurt like it used to_

_Sometimes I find peace of mind in a bottle of wine_

_Sometimes I break down and cry_

     I got home in record time, and immediately made my way to the hard alcohol cabinet. Pulling out a bottle of scotch I drank right from the bottle and started to cry, not even making it over to the couch before collapsing on the floor.

     I don’t know how long I sat there before my front door opened, but I was too far gone to care who it was. Moments later a very blurry Brent face was right in front of me. “Come on Jonny, I think you’ve had enough.”

     “No” I slurred protecting the bottle from Brent’s grabby hands. “It’s the only thing that won’t leave me, I can always count on a bottle of scotch to be there for me.”

     “Jonny, you have me and the rest of the team, we’ll never leave you.” Brent said trying again to grab for the bottle.

     “That’s what I thought about Pat, but that didn’t stop him from leaving me and shattering my heart in the process.” I sobbed finally letting go of the scotch bottle. Brent quickly picked it before I could and placed it back in the cabinet.

     “Let’s get you in bed.” He said helping me up off the floor, and escorting me to the master bedroom.

     “No, I don’t sleep here anymore.” I slurred at him pulling away from the room.

     “But that’s your room.” Brent stated.

     “That was our room, I can’t sleep in there without him.” I paused rubbing at my eyes, trying to stop the flow of tears. “I can’t sleep without him period.”

     “I know Jonny.”

     “Why can’t it stop hurting? It hurts even more than it did when he broke things off in the first place. I didn’t think I could hurt this much. I just love him so much, and I don’t know what I did to make him not love me anymore. He was it for me, you know, I even bought a ring.” I muttered as I fell into bed.

     “Sleep it off Jonny, I’ll come back with breakfast in the morning.” Brent said placing a bottle of water and medicine on the night stand.

     “Kay” I said sleepily before I passed out.

_Hey, hey, what can I say?_

_I can just lie and say it’s all okay_

_Oh-ho, what can I do?_

_Been goin’ through hell getting’ over you_

_Hey, hey, what can I say?_

_I can just lie and say it’s all okay_

_Oh-ho, what can I do?_

_Been goin’ through hell getting’ over you_

_But it don’t hurt, it don’t hurt like it used to_

_No it don’t hurt, it don’t hurt like it used to_

_It don’t hurt, it don’t hurt like it used to, hey_

     “Jon, are you here?” I heard a voice yell from the living room. Groaning I rolled over and checked the time, it was 9 am already, and I was beyond hungover. “Jon?” The voice came again and I realized it was Pat’s voice. His footsteps came closer and I started to hyperventilate, I couldn’t deal with Pat yet, it was painfully obvious last night with the way I reacted.

     I didn’t respond to Pat, hoping he wouldn’t find me in the guest room, but of course luck wasn’t on my side. “What are you doing in here?” He questioned.

     “What are you doing here?” I questioned in answer.

     “I was worried about you.” He said, a softness in his voice that made me angry.

     “Well that’s not your job anymore, so you can leave.” I snapped at him, flipping over so I didn’t have to see him.

     “I’ll always care, you are my captain.” Pat said taken aback.

     “Well this has nothing to do with hockey, therefore this has nothing to do with you, so you can see yourself out.” I snapped yet again.

     “I still care about you even when it doesn’t involve hockey.” Pat muttered.

     I couldn’t help myself anymore, all the hurt turned into anger, I flipped over and sat up so quickly I felt as though my head was going to explode but fought through it. “Well stop fucking caring, and get the fuck out of my house.”

     “Jon.” Pat said hurt.

     “Don’t Jon me, you have no right. You fucking tore my heart to shreds, and comeback here saying you still care about me. I fucking hate you so much.” I yelled at him. Pat took a step back from the bed, but didn’t leave the room.

     “All this is about our breakup?” He asked looking shocked.

     “What the fuck else would it be about?” I snapped yet again.

     “I don’t know.” Pat said, tears forming in his eyes.

     “Pat, don’t cry.” I said toning my anger down, no matter how much I hurt, and how angry I am at him, his tears would always make me worry about him more than the anger I felt.

     “Jonny, can you answer my question from last night?” Pat asked after a couple moments.

     “Truthfully?” I questioned, Pat just nodded. “My summer was hell, it was the absolute worse summer I have ever had.” I admitted.

     “Why?” he questioned quietly.

     “Why do you think Patrick?” I said standing up, wiping furiously at my eyes trying to wipe the tears away. “The man I love, the only person I will ever love shattered my heart, and I’ve been trying to get over him, and it hasn’t worked, and it will never work. So this summer I spent trying to block out the hurt, which honestly made it hurt worse. And now, looking at you makes me hurt in a way I didn’t know I could hurt.”

     “Jonny.” Pat’s voice cracked.

     “Please don’t Pat.” I begged. “Don’t feel sorry for me, I promise I’ll figure out a way to be in the same room with you before the season starts without wanting to immediately leave the room.”

     “Is that what you want?” Pat asked slowly.

     “Of course not.” I replied the tears falling rapidly.

     “What do you want?” He asked walking nearer to the bed again.

     “I want to go back to the morning you broke up with me, the last time I remember being happy.” I told him honestly. “I left the house that day so happy, I couldn’t wait to come home, eat dinner with you, play video games, and finally work up enough courage to propose.”

     “You were going to propose?”

     “Yeah.” I said getting up and walking out of the room, to the master room.

     “What are you doing?” Pat asked curiously following me.

     Reaching into one of my dresser drawers I pulled out the little velvet box. “Here, I don’t want it, I designed it for you, so you might as well have it.” I said handing it over.

     “Jonny.” Pat said softly taking the box and opening it up, gasping when he saw the ring. “Jonny” he whispered again. “It’s beautiful.” He said taking it out and putting it on his ring finger.

     “Please don’t do that.” I begged, I pictured seeing him wearing that ring a thousand times, but now it just shows something I will never have.

     “You designed this?” He asked not taking off the band. I nodded in response, not trusting my voice. “How long did it take you?”

     “A couple of months.” I muttered. “I worked with a jeweler, Derek, every week we were in town."

     “Oh.” Pat said softly, causing me to question him.

     “Pat why did you break up with me?” I asked.

     “I thought you were cheating on me.” He murmured so quietly I could barely hear him.

     “What?”

     “You took my phone by accident that day, and I saw a text from Derek, asking you same time same place, with a can’t wait at the end.” He paused taking a deep breath. “So the insecure me went through the rest of the conversation and came to the conclusion you had a someone else.”

     “And you didn’t ask me about it?” I asked even more hurt than I was before that he thought I would cheat on him.

     “I didn’t want to hear how I wasn’t good enough for you, that you had to go find comfort from someone else.” Pat said dropping his head.

     “How could you even think that?” I asked my heart breaking.

     “You’re way too good for me Jonny, you’re Mr. I-Got-My-Life-Together and I am Mr. Fuck-Up, it’s really not that hard to believe.”

     “Pat you are not a fuck-up, you make mistakes just like any other guy.” I explained, grabbing a hold of his hands, trying to reassure him.

     He looked down at our interlaced hands. “God I’ve missed this.” He said squeezing my hands, I automatically rubbed my thumb over the ring.

     “Me too, Pat.” I said, reaching out and pulling him into a tight hug, breathing in the scent of Pat.

     “Do you think we could have this again?” He asked hopefully.

     “I would like that, though it’s not going to be easy.” I said knowing that I have already forgiven the man.

     “I know.” Pat said pulling out of the hug and taking the ring off.

     “Keep it on, it looks good on you.” I said, leaning over and finally kissing him again.

     “Does this mean what I think it does?” Pat asked.

     “Patrick Kane, will you marry me?” I asked.

     “Of course.” He said before kissing me deeply. “I love you.”

     “I love you too” I told him back, resting my chin on his head. My heart stopped finally hurting, and I wasn’t going to let it hurt that way again. Pat and I had a long way to go in our relationship, in order to work out all the insecurities, but I knew for a fact that we would make it until we are both six feet under.

**Life is good, I’ll marry a boy, he’s got a beautiful heart, eyes are blue.**


End file.
